Answering some of the stickiest, criticalest, impactfullest issues since the dawn of entrepreneurship (1983)
For publication April 1, 2024
Through incubating countless dozens of innovative ventures over the past five years, Moon has identified specific confounding topics that our teams repeatedly encounter. Answers to these complex queries, if discovered, will accelerate our mission dramatically. For this reason, Moon has dedicated a small and nimble deep research team to these mysteries. Our research has already made notable progress on topics of prime significance. Today we are excited to reveal this initiative and share some of our preliminary results.
So far, we’ve tried Mother’s Day, Tuesday after lunch, the Neolithic Age, Open Mic Night, and Indian Standard Time. Our researchers have proven definitively that the worst time to raise, by far, is during Shark Tank reruns.
We uploaded an intern to the ethereum blockchain to find out, but immediately lost our private key. Relatedly, we are now recruiting for a new internship role; responsibilities include being uploaded to the blockchain to find any traces of our first intern, and breeding cryptokitties.
Though no one can say for sure, scientists agree that if discovered, this initialism could have a profound effect on the development of artificial intelligence tools. We interviewed an ornithologist in case it has something to do with birds.
It is a clear consensus among our research team that shipping completed applications at any stage is no longer worth the trouble: mere articulation of a promising business plan is enough to achieve modern-day success. Since most product launches fail, or worse, go unnoticed, focus resources instead on hype, and let speculative acquirers work out the product-market fit.
We constructed a custom hydraulic test harness in a large underground bunker lined with advanced optical detectors to investigate. The environment is situated 400 yards underground where minor deviations in the Earth’s gravitational pull are neutralized to eight figures of measurement precision. Arbitrary payloads are then accelerated to a common speed using our specially-devised monopolar magnets. The entire space is enthusiastically decorated and hermetically sealed. Despite these careful preparations, blinking, flinching, and dodging have obstructed our findings to date.
We ate 800 cheesesteaks from around Philadelphia to find out. Further ingestivative research is needed.
Robots can already run farther, throw faster, cheer more emphatically, and sing their national anthem louder than any human has. To test the limits of the Olympic spirit in androids, our hardware team designed five different water-resistant cyborg enclosures and deployed them by dropping them off the Golden Gate Bridge into San Francisco Bay. All but one of them sank immediately. The remaining deployment floated, rusted, gurgled, beeped in Morse code, and then sank. These exciting findings suggest that superhuman mastery of kayaking is close at hand.
There’s a pair of pants that might be made of some kind of synthetic material, and a top that hardly looks dirty at all, but the tag is kind of rubbing off. Is that an icon of an iron? Ironing happens later, right? I can’t even imagine how this t-shirt got so disgusting from a single wear. This blouse is red, but already pretty faded, so maybe it’s safe to throw it in with the rest?
Perhaps this one is simply unknowable.
Made with levity by the humans at Moon Creative Lab.